So! On my way to get a coffee I started having an anxiety attack, hohoho. I’d be building it up in my head for so long, if I got up from my seated area I would be stared at, even though there is a chap in this discussion room of the library wandering about in his bare feet. When I leave the room people would say something. Even though everyone is wrapped up in their own lives/studying and me being here doesn’t really impact anyone, at all.
So I was walking back and going up the stairs and I got the same sort of fluttery tight chested feeling, I started sweating a lot and felt my breathing go “LOL NO YOU DON’T NEED ME”
But then my MIND done something really weird. A very loud voice in my head went, “This is fucking boring” and I was all taken aback and sort of had an inner conversation that went like this:
Voice 1: It’s boring.
Voice 2: What is?
Voice 1: This. You just got up to get a coffee. You’re fine. Calm down.
Voice 2: But but but but but
Voice 1: Look your fine you’re not even sweating that much.
Voice 2: I guess…
Voice 1: Don’t fucking guess, you’re great. Have a sip of your coffee and go read Beckett.
Voice 2: ….I like coffee.
And as a disclaimer the voices are my voices, I just found it weird because when I’m feeling panicky I never have a clear enough mind for one pure thought, but there it is.
This is boring.
And now I feel fine and have a coffee. This is pretty fab.
If questions come up on gender and the death of the author tomorrow I think I might actually do okay in this exam.
I had a lovely walk near Glasgow Catherdal today as I was hunting for where my exam is going to be tomorrow. Naturally I took the longest route in discovering it and melted into a pile of fabric and make up, but now I know for tomorrow. Wahoo.
Other good things are chatting things out with my man friend and being bought my lunch.