(Source: helloivewaitedhereforyou, via lydiaxo)
So! On my way to get a coffee I started having an anxiety attack, hohoho. I’d be building it up in my head for so long, if I got up from my seated area I would be stared at, even though there is a chap in this discussion room of the library wandering about in his bare feet. When I leave the room people would say something. Even though everyone is wrapped up in their own lives/studying and me being here doesn’t really impact anyone, at all.
So I was walking back and going up the stairs and I got the same sort of fluttery tight chested feeling, I started sweating a lot and felt my breathing go “LOL NO YOU DON’T NEED ME”
But then my MIND done something really weird. A very loud voice in my head went, “This is fucking boring” and I was all taken aback and sort of had an inner conversation that went like this:
Voice 1: It’s boring.
Voice 2: What is?
Voice 1: This. You just got up to get a coffee. You’re fine. Calm down.
Voice 2: But but but but but
Voice 1: Look your fine you’re not even sweating that much.
Voice 2: I guess…
Voice 1: Don’t fucking guess, you’re great. Have a sip of your coffee and go read Beckett.
Voice 2: ….I like coffee.
And as a disclaimer the voices are my voices, I just found it weird because when I’m feeling panicky I never have a clear enough mind for one pure thought, but there it is.
This is boring.
And now I feel fine and have a coffee. This is pretty fab.
If questions come up on gender and the death of the author tomorrow I think I might actually do okay in this exam.
I had a lovely walk near Glasgow Catherdal today as I was hunting for where my exam is going to be tomorrow. Naturally I took the longest route in discovering it and melted into a pile of fabric and make up, but now I know for tomorrow. Wahoo.
Other good things are chatting things out with my man friend and being bought my lunch.
Smashing out of date eggs off of my verranda was obviously satisfying. Shame they’re not his face.
